I've sat down numerous times to write this post. I've written it out in my head but I just can't seem to find the right words to describe how the last 2 weeks have gone down. Here are the last 2 weeks... day-by-day.
Friday, May 4, 2012: First Ultrasound
Today was supposed to be the first time I saw my sweet baby on the ultrasound. Instead we saw nothing but a gestational sac. I was crushed. We should have seen something. Anything really but there was no yolk sac and no embryo. At this point, the doctor was pretty negative saying we will have another ultrasound but being over 6 weeks pregnant at the time, we both know we should have seen something. Follow-up scheduled for Wednesday, May 9th. I spent the rest of today on the couch numb and lifeless. I cried and cried. I screamed and begged God to let there be a change on the next ultrasound. I was in such disbelief. 2.5 years we waited for our miracle. This has to be it. It just has to be.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Went on with life as usual. Trying to be hopeful. Had some minor nausea while at the boat. We had a wonderful Cinco de Mayo party at the dock. It really kept my mind off things.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Today, I did a lot of research. Found that it isn't uncommon for women to not see anything on the ultrasound until later in the pregnancy. A lot of my research found that many women didn't see anything until the 8th week. ::breath easier::
Monday, May 7, 2012
Let the nausea and vomiting begin. IN FULL SWING, may I add. The toilet here at the office became my best friend. Unfortunately, this bit of nausea gave me hope that I tried desperately not to have.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Ummm... Jennifer, you thought the throwing up was bad on Monday? Ha! Ha ha ha. Well, you haven't seen Tuesday yet. Good Lord, I thought I was never going to stop throwing up today. ::insert more hope here:: I mean, I'm hugging the toilet every 30 minutes, there's gotta be something on the ultrasound by now.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012: Follow-Up Ultrasound
Nothing. Absolutely Nothing. No changes. Begin the list of symptoms to my doctor. Nausea. Vomiting. Exhaustion. Headaches. Bloating. It's like pregnancy kicked in full gear this week and hit me like a freight train. There's no way in hell I could make all these symptoms up. None. Dr. Brown and I discussed everything possible. The ultrasound tech ruled out an ectopic pregnancy already so that wasn't on the table. He kept saying my situation was unusual. He used the word "complex" several times. So...the ending result, I take my happy ass down to the 2nd floor for another round of betas.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
No call from the doctor with the lab results. Commence freak-out and mentally cussing every nurse in his office. They should know that I have to have those results today. The waiting was absolutely uncalled for.
Friday, May 11, 2012: Freak-Out Day
The nurse called me around 8:30 with my results. My beta had risen to 80,275. Apparently, this wasn't normal and the doctor didn't like this number at all. Says it was too high. The nurse told me that Dr. Brown suspects that I have something called a molar pregnancy. (Wikipedia's Definition) The nurse also used the word tumor. She told me Dr. Brown would call me later this afternoon to discuss this further. I then proceeded to do about 7 hours of research on molar pregnancy. As gut wrenching as the news was, I held my composure. I didn't cry. In fact, I was rather ok with the diagnosis. I have an answer as to why I didn't see my sweet baby on the ultrasound. That's what I needed. I needed an answer. One way or another. As I was driving on the way to the boat later that night, I received a call from Dr. Brown. He was very concerned though because I didn't have the standard "grapes" on the ultrasound that represent a molar pregnancy. He believed that although we couldn't see the tumor on the ultrasound, he was under the impression that it was "small but powerful". I was to be back at his office at 8:00 on the 14th for another beta.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Hair and shopping day with my mom. It was such a nice day to not really have to think about anything other than getting pampered...and shopping. We all know I adore some retail therapy. And retail therapy is exactly what I did. I bought a couple of precious dresses. One you will see in another post about my brother-in-laws high school graduation (as long as I can fit into it.. I'll get to that in a minute).
Sunday, May 13, 2012: Mother's Day
Fucking Mother's Day. How lovely? I wasn't prepared for how tough this day would be. My mother had already told all the people at their church about the pregnancy. So, you can only imagine all the hugs and "congratulations" that greeted me as soon as I stepped foot in the door. I really didn't have the heart or desire to explain to every single old woman that came up to hug me what happened so I sucked it up, held back the tears and accepted all the congratulatory hugs. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to ruin anyone else's day with the sob story that little ol' me has a tumor instead of a baby. Happy Mother's Day to me. Not! On Saturday when I was doing some retail therapy, I ran across this precious ring at Zale's and couldn't pass it up. It's a blue topaz which is the December birthstone. The month that my baby was supposed to be born. I fell in love with this ring and decided I would buy myself a gift..so I bought this!
After Mother's Day dinner with Josh's family (keep in mind, I'm still throwing up...it's hasn't let up at all at this point), I finally gave in. I just couldn't be strong anymore. I cried, and cried...and cried some more. Josh probably thought I was going to have a full on meltdown. I felt bad for him, really. He's not a very emotional person so he really didn't know exactly what to do with me. I remember I kept saying that I just wanted this to be over. I want to move on. How could this happen to us? We tried for 2.5 years only to be crushed. I can't help but feel like this is somehow my fault. What did we do to deserve this? Why the hell am I throwing up? If there's no baby then why do I have to go through this shit of feeling like there is a baby in me? It's so unfuckingfair. I'm pretty sure I fell asleep crying.
Monday, May 14, 2012
I woke up, threw up twice, and headed to have my 5th beta done. Dr. Brown greeted me at the receptionist desk so we could talk a little more. We discussed his concerns of dehydration because, at this point, I was literally throwing up everything I put in my mouth. He said that if I didn't get fluids in me, he would have to put me in the hospital. He prescribed me 2 medicines to start taking immediately to try to help me stay hydrated and fight the nausea. I guess it worked because I wasn't hospitalized. I would also like to point out that I have had absolutely no bleeding at all during this entire process. Weird, right? Anyway, he put a rush on my beta results today. It's nice to know that I've waited over 48 hours for some beta results but yet he had these back in 3 hours. Almost 100,000. Not good. Not good at all. Another ultrasound and D&C were scheduled for the following day (Tuesday). I took today off work to soak everything in and try to get hydrated. I still drank less than 20 ounces of apple juice (drinking water made me more nauseous and guaranteed throw up). I'm pretty sure I slept most of the day though. I know I fell asleep crying because, honestly, the thought of being put to sleep scared the shit out of me.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012: Surgery
I arrived at the hospital, went through pre-op, had more blood taken (ya know because the 5 tubes of blood taken the day before just didn't suffice), had the ultrasound done (no changes) and was sent to wait for an hour before they took me back to start the IV process and get me ready for surgery. I was shaking. I was tired. I was ready for all this to be over with. I was scared. I had my mom & dad and Josh with me. I knew everything was going to be ok but I was still scared. I had to go back without my parents and without Josh at first. Of course, I started crying. I didn't want them to leave my side. They were keeping me strong. (and now I'm crying writing this. Fuck.) The nurses were all super nice and very comforting. They started my IV and asked me some questions then my family was allowed to come wait with me while Dr. Brown and the anesthesiologist spoke with us. Dr. Brown had decided that while I was already sedated, he would go ahead and do a hysteroscopy as well. Fine with me. The more answers; the better. My family said the waited around 3 hours before they were able to come back to the recovery room. I remember waking up freezing. They had me wrapped in so many blankets that I couldn't move. They put a heater on me because I was so cold that I couldn't keep my mouth shut. They thought I was going to break my teeth. I think I was awake about an hour before they let me leave. I slept most of the day. I was able to eat dinner though. That's a plus. The chicken noodle soup was fab. I also enjoyed the entire stack of Club crackers that I ate in one setting. Yep. I'm a fatass.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Funny story? Ha. My dumbass believed it was a great idea to get up and go to work today. Ha. ha. ha. ha. ha. My insides felt they like were going to come out of my mouth every time I sat down. My abdomen was so swollen that I couldn't even button my pants. For real. What was I thinking? I did stay most of the day but I just couldn't handle it anymore. I was in so much pain. I went home (after getting bitched at via telephone from my mother for even considering work) and slept. I really am enjoying all this sleep I'm getting. Maybe I can keep that tradition up?
Thursday, May 17, 2012
I decided that working today wasn't such a good idea. I was running a fever and woke up with severe abdominal pain. I called the doctor and he prescribed an antibiotic to fight infection and lortab. I stayed on the couch most of the day. I was miserable laying in bed and the couch was able to give me some kind of weird support that didn't make my stomach hurt as much. It's hard to explain but my couch has been there for me in some pretty rough times this month. Anyway, I started the antibiotics and started feeling better as the day progressed. The doctor did call with the pathology results from the biopsy. It was, indeed, a molar pregnancy. It was a tumor. Thankfully, it wasn't cancerous though. Benign was the word he used.
Friday, May 18, 2012: Today
Today, I feel much better. I am still in some pain but nothing that tylenol can't handle. I'm taking my temperature every couple of hours to make sure I don't have a fever. So far, so good. My abdomen is still swollen but not as much as Wednesday (I just hope the graduation dress that I bought fits tomorrow). I'm back at work and taking it very easy. My spirits are a little higher. I talked to my doctor more about what will happen from here. I have a follow-up appointment next Thursday the 24th. We will start weekly bloodwork then. That will happen for 3 months. My hcg levels have to return to 0. He is very concerned with regrowth and it is a very real possibility that I will have to have another D&C. We will go into more details next week but at this point I know, in the near future, I will have a ct scan, a chest x-ray and some liver tests to make sure that there are no growths in those areas.
At this point, the main focus is to make sure there is no regrowth. If the hcg levels do not go down that means more testing and more waiting. I should have a better idea on Thursday what exactly we're looking at test and schedule wise. I guess for the next several months, we play the waiting game. We can't try to get pregnant again for at least 6 months after my hcg returns to 0 so we are looking at least 9 months before anything can happen. I can absolutely not get pregnant which means back to birth control. That thing we vowed I would never take again. Ever. Although, if it will get me a normal, healthy pregnancy one day then I will do what I have to even though I'll be kicking and screaming the entire time.
I'm sure this entry is all over the place. I honestly don't even know what I was writing but I know that I needed to get it out there. I know we've had so many people praying and sending us good thoughts and, honestly, if it hadn't been for some very strong friends and family in my life, I wouldn't have made it through the last 2 weeks as well as I did. I sincerely thank everyone from the absolute bottom of my heart for the kind calls, emails, texts and messages on FB. I may not have responded to all of them but please know that I have gotten them and they mean the world to me.
Some days are more overwhelming than others and that's ok. As long as I have Josh by my side, I know we'll get through this. I know it's going to be a long road but there's got to be some light at the end of the tunnel, right? For now, we'll take it test-by-test, step-by-step, and day-by-day.
At this point, the main focus is to make sure there is no regrowth. If the hcg levels do not go down that means more testing and more waiting. I should have a better idea on Thursday what exactly we're looking at test and schedule wise. I guess for the next several months, we play the waiting game. We can't try to get pregnant again for at least 6 months after my hcg returns to 0 so we are looking at least 9 months before anything can happen. I can absolutely not get pregnant which means back to birth control. That thing we vowed I would never take again. Ever. Although, if it will get me a normal, healthy pregnancy one day then I will do what I have to even though I'll be kicking and screaming the entire time.
I'm sure this entry is all over the place. I honestly don't even know what I was writing but I know that I needed to get it out there. I know we've had so many people praying and sending us good thoughts and, honestly, if it hadn't been for some very strong friends and family in my life, I wouldn't have made it through the last 2 weeks as well as I did. I sincerely thank everyone from the absolute bottom of my heart for the kind calls, emails, texts and messages on FB. I may not have responded to all of them but please know that I have gotten them and they mean the world to me.
Some days are more overwhelming than others and that's ok. As long as I have Josh by my side, I know we'll get through this. I know it's going to be a long road but there's got to be some light at the end of the tunnel, right? For now, we'll take it test-by-test, step-by-step, and day-by-day.
